I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
