Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
