it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
