remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just pee around me
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
