It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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