Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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