I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
