piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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