i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just gargled with NyQuil
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
