The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
BRING THE BAGELS
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
