You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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