I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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