My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
