I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
