Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
