Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
