This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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