I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
