Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
