She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
