I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
