So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
