I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I have demons in me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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