Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
