My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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