my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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