i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
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Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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