never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
