just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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