She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Fuck me I smell like cheese
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
