you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
