I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
