I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
