u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
