If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
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