i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
