What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
