oh god the rape fog is back!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
