It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
