Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
