My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
