Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
