Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
