Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
