I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
