I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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