Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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