# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
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