I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
