I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
