Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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