mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
