I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
