I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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