I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
