Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
