I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
