you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
