Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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