good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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