i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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