I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Pants are for mortals
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
