Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
