Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
