So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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