He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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